Parent Patch

Where has this year gone? We all ask this question but I am sure as I get older the years go by a lot quicker. It has been another busy year and like all of you, I am certainly looking forward to breaking the routine cycle for five weeks and staying in pyjamas for a whole day because I can!

At this time of the year we are busy with Christmas shopping, functions, parties and fighting for that car park that we all so desperately want. At school, our kids are facing the anticipation of finding out whose grade they will be in next year followed by their reports. With this can bring some anxiety in our children due to the changes they will face that to some of us aren’t really an issue. As teachers we are fully aware of such anxiety and equipped to deal with such students and ready to reassure them. For some students, this anxiety will continue throughout the summer break. As a parent, it is important to acknowledge your child’s concerns and not dismiss them. Sit down and talk to your child or ask them to list their concerns and work through them. Remember, we all started primary school and high school so we can draw on our personal experiences to work through their concerns. They might seem minor to you but they are big to them and are looking for reassurance and guidance. There may be new friendships to be made so play dates over the summer break are always an option.

It is also a time to reflect on the year with your child, both the positives and negatives. Through such discussions, goals can be established for next year. They may be personal, social or academic goals which should be achievable and not unrealistic. As adults we all have goals too, whether they be career driven or personal goals, we all need to make them achievable otherwise we give up too easily if things are too far out of reach. I say it all the time, we need to model the behaviours we want in our children and achieving different goals is exactly the same as our modelling behaviours in our daily lives.

I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and hope everyone enjoys their time off with family and friends. This is the time to relax and unwind before the school year starts again, trust me it will be here before we know it. I wish all of our Grade Six students the very best in the next phase of their educational journey, secondary school. I would also like to wish those students and families that are leaving all the very best for the future. Thank you once again to the wonderful parent support I have continued to receive through my articles and also for those families that attended the parent workshops that were made available. Parent Patch will continue next year and there will also be a blog that will be up and running in 2015.

Let me leave you with this, if you happen to hear “I’m bored” over the next five weeks, it is ok. Children need to be bored it is good for them and develops creativity. I am sure once you run through a list of chores, they will find something to do quick smart!

Fiona Froelich

“I want this and this and oh this too!” Are you starting to hear this in your house as all those wonderful Christmas catalogues arrive in the mail and the bright signs and decorations are all over the shops? The joy!

Besides the fact that this time of the year can be very expensive and we don’t want to disappoint our little cherubs, it can be an extremely stressful time of the year trying to come up with gifts for our family, friends, little somethings for colleagues and even teachers! Where do you draw the line? Last year I asked my two to write a list under the headings of ‘needs’ and ‘wants’. You can guess which list was the longest?

As a society I think we have lost the meaning of Christmas and other celebratory days which have become very commercialised. For our children it is all about the latest gadget, brand, toy etc and not about spending time with family and friends. Yes I know they are young and being spoilt on Christmas day is a right as a child, but they are never too young to be reminded about the true meaning.

Last year I gave my two teenage nieces something a little different other than their Mac make up and Coles Myer gift cards. Last Christmas one provided a goat for a family through World Vision and another some chickens. At first I had to explain to them what I had done and why but once they understood they thought it was fantastic. (One point for their favourite Aunty!) I explained to my daughter and son what I had done and why. I asked them to tell me what they thought was important to those children living in a third world country, what would be on their list if they could write one? It came down to them understanding that there are children around the world, in Australia and in their community that may not be getting almost everything on their wish list because they simply cannot afford it or don’t have the resources. These children would like three meals a day, fresh water, a roof over their heads and most importantly, a future, something we can take for granted that our children will have and we as parents will do whatever it takes to make that happen.

This year, my two cherubs will be putting a line through one thing on their wish list and we will be placing it under the Kmart Wishing tree. They will be selecting, wrapping and placing a gift under the tree knowing they will be getting one less gift. Why? Because it is about giving, not receiving.

Remember, when you are standing there agonising over what to give someone, less is more. Over the years as a teacher I have been given some beautiful and thoughtful gifts. The one thing I treasure the most are the cards that parents take the time to sit and write. I still have many that have been written to me over the years and reflect on them when I doubt myself or I am having a bad day. Sometimes a simple “thank you” is all that is needed. Believe me, sometimes they are very few and far between given we spend so much time with their children and do the best that we can for them.

Happy shopping, may the force be with you!

Fiona Froelich

So, as of Friday afternoon 3.30pm, you will have your cherubs for a long weekend. I hear some of you moaning and others aren’t too fussed. Let’s imagine all electronic devices are removed from your house for a day. Who would struggle the most, you or your children?

This is something that happens every Saturday in our house from 10am until 5pm. It came about as my husband and I found ourselves constantly asking the kids to get off their iPads, iPods, or to turn off the television. We would walk into their rooms and see all of these board games, books, Lego and craft activities just sitting there not being utilised because apparently staring at a screen for hours is far more interesting! I will admit I wished my husband all the best when he informed our two children that he had this grand plan which involved no electronic devices for a day! In our house, I am generally the enforcer so I thought it was a good idea it come from hubby to show the kids that mum isn’t always the ‘bad’ or ‘strict’ parent and he can run faster than me too! As you can imagine it was met with disbelief and it was the worst day of their lives and there was drama, tears and tantrums. So what? It made no difference to us and we weren’t backing down.

I don’t need to explain the benefits of implementing such a ban and the reasoning behind it. If you asked my children why we implemented such a horrible ban which is not fair, they would tell you exactly that, it isn’t fair. Now after six months, they are used to it and have found it isn’t really that bad. Both have Saturday morning sport so by the time they get home it is lunchtime. During footy season, my son learnt how to listen to the footy on the radio. He actually had to tune into the commentary and listen and he learnt to visualise what was being said and of course, the score! My daughter loves to read so she would read or drag out the craft box and use her creative side. At first there were teething issues when my son would go to a friend’s house and watch the footy or a movie or play the Wii! I would ask what he had been up to and he would tell me so innocently. The following week he went to the same friend’s house and they had also implemented an electronic ban for Saturday’s. Now they play Monopoly or build Lego track throughout the lounge room. As the weather is getting nicer, the kids are out on their bikes, playing cricket, shooting hoops and actually interacting and socialising face to face, not through screens and games.

I will admit I found it hard when it first started only because on a rainy Saturday afternoon, I actually liked watching the footy or a movie. As the weeks went on I found myself going through cook books and cooking with the kids or playing a game of Monopoly that would last all weekend. As role models to our kids, if we are on our electronic devices all the time texting, playing Candy Crush (guilty) or watching television, our children think it is ok to do the same and we wonder why they buck up when we try and change the rules.

My challenge to you is to implement an electronic ban consistently for at least a month. If you think an all-day ban is too much, do it gradually, increasing the time. Be prepared to spend time with your children and interact with them and actually do things with them. Go for a bike ride or a walk, play a board game, read them a story, draw or even cook. If you say no electronic devices and entertain yourselves, you will cave within the hour! You may need to discuss this with your children and let them know what is going to happen and why. Come up with different ideas of things they can do, besides their homework or cleaning their room, then they will see it as punishment. Let them brainstorm with you and go through their cupboards and pull out those toys and craft tubs that haven’t been out for a long time. Devise a list of different things they can do while they don’t have access to their pride and joy.

Technology is great and there is a time and a place but I worry about our children not developing the adequate social and communication skills required. An iPad or iPod can be an escape for some children and adults but it is equally important they learn to cope and escape by other means. As parents and teachers, we need to teach them that through experience and modelling.

I would love to know if anyone accepts the challenge and how you go. Feel free to email me at froelich.fiona.e@edumail.vic.gov.au  with your thoughts or any other topics you would like covered.

Game on!

Fiona Froelich

By now you should have received an invitation to attend a parenting workshop on Monday 20^th October 2014. Beverley Kuster, a Psychotherapist and Counsellor with over 20 years’ experience, will present this workshop. After meeting with Beverley and consulting the findings from the survey undertaken earlier in the year, one area that parents felt they would like information and strategies on was dealing with challenging behaviours.

Challenging behaviours from our children occur at various stages no matter how well behaved they are. It could result from them getting older and testing the boundaries, asserting themselves, social issues and even our parenting styles. Ask yourself this, what is my parenting style? I personally know mine is ‘firm but fair’. My children have boundaries and I am certainly realising that they need to be moved for various reasons as my children get older. I believe all children need boundaries, no questions asked.  Setting boundaries is the number one strategy parents need to use. If started at an early age and the appropriate consequences are put into place, children will thrive. They learn how far they can go, they learn respect for those around them as well as for authority and they learn there are consequences for breaking those boundaries set. There will be a time when our children could rebel even though they have had boundaries and a consistent parenting approach has been in place. However, that behaviour could be a result of outside influences and that is when you hope you are able to talk to your child or seek help.

But have you thought whether your parenting style impacts your child’s behaviour and the way they interact with you? For example, I have one child who is a negotiator. I could work as a chief negotiator with the United Nations with the experience I have in negotiating! In this workshop, Beverley will give you a quick personality test to complete which will determine your child’s personality and then give you some different strategies to use based on their personality. There are times when negotiating with your child can be a positive experience. They have input in both the choices they have and the consequences of those choices and it promotes a dialogue between yourself and your child. You can explain to them your feelings and why you might not like certain choices they want to make. Communication is key with our children and any chance to keep the lines of communication open should always be taken. Have you made consequences on the run only to have them back fire? They don’t work and in particular if they cannot or will not be carried through, the result may be that your child has seen that there has been no consequence for their actions and will more than likely do it again.

Beverley will provide each family that attends an information pack on parenting strategies and also a free counselling session at her Narre Warren office for you to use at convenient time. Beverley will also bring various books that you can look through and you will have the opportunity to ask her questions. If you return the RSVP slip there is also a space for you to write down any questions or topics you may like answered and they will be passed onto Beverley prior to the evening. These will be answered anonymously by Beverley throughout her workshop.

A speaker such as Beverley with her experience is very difficult to find without a fee attached. Beverley has kindly offered to speak to our parent community free of charge. I invite each and every one of you to attend and I am sure you will walk away with some strategies on dealing with your cherubs! Personally, I am looking forward to the personality test and walking out feeling empowered.

If you would like to attend but cannot, please return the RSVP slip and state that on the form and any questions you have. I will organise with Beverley any relevant information that may be of use to you and leave it at the front office.

I look forward to seeing you there on Monday 20^th October 2014 at 6.45pm for a 7pm start.

Fiona Froelich

How do you parent your child? As a parent with boundaries, respect and discipline or as a friend with the aim of being popular with your own child and having them liking you?

I am sure you all answered the first one and most obvious, a parent with boundaries, respect and discipline? That might be what you think you are doing, but is it? We all want to be accepted and liked whether by our friends, in the workplace or as the favourite aunty or uncle. As parents though, you would agree that is not our main aim although we would hope our little cherubs not only love us, but look up to us. We are parenting children who need consistent boundaries, rules and discipline.

As parents, we have to make the hard decisions and not the ones that are always popular with our children. Friends on the other hand, will take the easy way out and are more likely to compromise on a decision to maintain the friendship. There are parents that do that to keep the peace in the family and prevent either a meltdown or resentment by the child involved. There is a difference in those times when we give in because we are tired or just can’t go into battle, as opposed to consistently parenting this way. Parenting as a friend will lead to the child calling the shots in the family, a lack of respect by the child towards the parents and eventually a no boundaries approach to life by the child. From there what happens? We have all seen groups of teenagers and out of control parties on the news and a complete lack of respect for authority. Where are the parents to these teenagers you ask? Probably at home wondering how they could have stopped their child going out and why they don’t listen to them. The answer to that could have started when the child was little and taught boundaries, discipline, respect and to respect others. Don’t get me wrong, not all teenagers are like that but they are the ones that tend to be making the news these days! The importance of starting this in the early years is vital in shaping our children to be productive members of society.

Keeping the family unit together can be difficult when we all run on such busy schedules. Developing family rituals are important. Family meetings can be very valuable and allows everyone to have their say about current situations that are happening in the family. Opening up the lines of communication with your children not only teaches them to communicate, but it also teaches them to listen to you, not to just ‘hear’ you. Take the opportunity to negotiate with your child if there is an upcoming social function they want to attend or want to do something else you aren’t entirely sure about. This also teaches trust with clear consequences if that trust is broken. A parent will follow through with the consequences, a friend won’t. Another example might be the parent who has an out of control child at the shops and is not quite sure how to rein them back in. A friend is going to give in and allow the child whatever they like. A parent will shut down the behaviour in an instant with the child’s reaction being a dead giveaway as to whether they take the parent seriously or not.

Having a positive, loving and honest relationship with our children is what we all want. I asked my 11 year old daughter if I was a parent or a friend to her? She thought about it and said parent first, friend second. I am lucky she tells me most things openly and we have a great trust with each other. That has developed over the years with the message being: I can’t help you if you don’t tell me. If you tell me, maybe I can help. She understands when she tells me things that sometimes I have to act on information she has told me if I believe it needs to be and she doesn’t always like it. A friend wouldn’t say anything, a parent would and that, is the difference.

Fiona Froelich

Many of you know I often refer to Michael Grose in my Parent Patch pieces. I really enjoy reading his articles and have had the privilege of attending one of his workshops and meeting him. He had me the moment he said, “Your job as a parent is to be made redundant.” Bingo, I’m all ears! Don’t get me wrong, I love my children dearly but I also want them to be independent, resilient and functioning members of society. I recently read an article by Michael and the extensive list of 20 jobs we as parents can work our way out of and should be able to be carried out by a child by the age of 10. I am going to share some of them with you and hope you might be able to get the kids to help out a bit along with building some resilience, confidence,  cooperation and independence.

1. Get themselves up in the morning with an alarm.
2. Pack their own school bag. (I believe I have mentioned this many, many times in previous articles? This includes the dreaded blue reader bag.)
3. Tidy their own bedrooms and make their bed.
4. Make their own breakfast.
5. Prepare themselves a healthy snack.
6. Take care of personal items including toys and personal belongings.
7. Ensure all notices including excursion notices and messages are handed in to the teacher or office.
8. Take responsibility for personal care such as brushing their teeth, showering and ensuring they have a clean face and hands.
9. Feed and look after any pets.
10. Pack and unpack the dishwasher or wash and dry the dishes.

Your child/ren may already be doing some of these or perhaps all of them. Some of you may have looked at this list and thought, wow, my child doesn’t do many of those. We need to develop self confidence in our children and allow them to develop the skills to undertake such tasks. We need to trust their capabilities and trust them that they will make the right decision. Recently I have started letting my 11 year old walk our dog on her own around the block and walk home from school on the days I am home. I admit, I quizzed her about what she would do if different situations arose and made her tell me her full address and my mobile number before she left the house! The first time she came back from walking the dog, she was beaming because she was proud of herself and she proved not only herself that she was capable,  but also to me. The dog was beaming too because she had a walk!

In the classroom, it is very easy to spot the children who have a lot done for them. They are the ones who often leave lunchboxes and drink bottles around, chairs out and come out of the bag room with everything out of their school bag because they can’t pack it! Do yourself and your child a favour next time you bend down to pick up their bag, pack it, tie up their shoe laces or put their toys away for the tenth time, don’t.

If you would like to read the entire 20 jobs listed by Michael, jump onto his website and check it out. You might find a few other jobs you believe your child is more than capable of doing and ultimately make you redundant one day!

www.parentingideasclub.com.au

Fiona Froelich

I am sure at some stage we have all let the world know we have had a disaster when in fact, on reflection, it wasn’t! There are days when I hear this from students about various situations whether it be a social situation or something in the classroom. “This is the worst day of my life” or “She will never, ever be my friend again.” These seem very extreme coming straight from the mouths of babes.

At the beginning of the year at Berwick Lodge Primary School, we actually make and discuss the catastrophic scale. It is aimed at putting things into perspective for students when things don’t go to plan and how we react in those situations. Is forgetting to bring your library book the worst thing can possibly happen or does a natural disaster rate a little higher on the scale from 1 to 10? These are the types of scenarios we discuss in the classroom to gauge different children’s reactions to situations.

As parents sometimes we don’t know how to react to our children when they come home from school and have a melt down because they didn’t get a perfect score in a test or they forgot to hand in the notice you reminded them to hand in five times before they got out of the car. Our role is to put everything into perspective for them and reassure them that this is in fact not the worst thing that will ever happen in your life…..there are worse! We need to stay positive about things but without making your child think their problem is insignificant. To us it might be, but to them it isn’t. Trying to rationalise with your child is also very important. You might not have done your class presentation perfectly, but that is ok as long as you did your best. The positive dialogue is very important; sometimes more so when our children’s moods can have an impact on the way they see themselves. They can worry and become anxious about situations during the day and these become bigger in their head as the day goes on and by bed time, they are huge. Before we can give our children a dose of reality or put things into perspective, they need to be heard without interruption or have their meltdown. Like adults, there comes a point where we can take no more and we need to release our frustrations. I cry!  We can then put things into perspective, sometimes with help from our partners, friends or even work colleagues. We can self-regulate and rationalise as adults and that is what we need to teach our children.

With NAPLAN this week, I have heard different dialogue from students and parents regarding nerves, results and anxious children. All I can say to parents and students, including my own two children sitting NAPLAN this week, is as long as you do your best that is all you can do and I am proud of you. It is not the end of the world if you didn’t write everything you wanted to, it really isn’t!

Fiona Froelich

The old saying ‘you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family’ rings true at some point in our lives. Some of us may have formed friendships for life in primary school all those years ago, through mother’s groups and some of us have may have formed friendships through our children. As adults, we are equipped with a variety of learned social skills in developing and maintaining friendships but they require work to maintain, much like a garden. If you forget to nurture it, it will eventually wilt and die!

Some children find it difficult to make friends and maintain those friendships for various reasons. They may be socially immature, lack confidence in initiating a friendship, be very shy or perhaps have a dominant personality which needs to be tamed. As parents we try to nurture and empower our children with social skills and give them advice when things aren’t running smoothly. Sometimes our advice is not always the best advice even though we think it is, and sometimes our children need to work it out for themselves. Giving them strategies and ideas to try is the best starting point. Intervening every time there is a problem may resolve the issue, but it does not equip our children with the skills to resolve the problem, it teaches them to tell mum or dad, and they will fix the problem. There does become a point when a teacher or parent needs to intervene, but there is a very fine line as to when. As a parent, if you aren’t sure, speak to the teacher if it is an issue at school and take it from there. Sometimes all it needs is for the teacher to be aware of the situation and not necessarily act on it. At Berwick Lodge, we teach the You Can Do It program which aims to equip our students with resilience, confidence, organisation skills, getting along with others and persistence. There are also social skills programs that are run at lunchtimes for students who require some extra assistance in this area.

What can we, as parents, do to encourage our children to make friends and more importantly, keep their friends? Teach social skills such as how to start a conversation and maintain it, how to be a good winner and more importantly a good loser and the toughest one for some children, even adults, is compromise! You can encourage play dates after school and on the weekends so there is time for friendships to be nurtured. As a parent, it also gives you an insight into how your child is socialising and deals with such things as sharing, conflict resolution and compromising with others. Encourage your child to mix with different children so they can seek out those they get along with rather than mixing with the same children. After school activities are another great way to meet and develop new friends. I know my daughter started her squad swimming without knowing anyone which was a big step for her. It meant she was mixing with a new group of children and had to socialise and put herself out there in order to make new friends. It is great for our children to have a separate group of friends from school because when times get tough, they have another outlet and another group of friends. Often the interest in the activity is enough to kick start a new friendship.

As a parent, the most difficult aspect I have found is that although I teach both my children how to socialise, build and maintain friendships and do the right thing, other parents don’t necessarily teach it. Giving your children advice and tips on how to handle friendship difficulties may not always work if other children haven’t been taught the same thing. As parents, we would hope that others do it, but the reality is, not everyone does. As long as you know your child is equipped with the skills and is trying to do the right thing, we as parents can’t ask for more than that.

Fiona Froelich

Hands up if you have given in to your child after they have worn you down and you just want some peace? I will put my hand up and I am sure there are a few of us out there. Some children can have a way of hounding you down until they get an answer they want from you which isn’t no! They can also be very clever or devious, and play one parent off against another. That has happened once or twice in our house but rarely. It tends to be when I am not home and my kids will tell their Dad that I said they could have something or do something or not do something so he is powerless to ask me!

Children learn very quickly who is the “soft target” out of mum or dad and who will give them the answer they are looking for, ‘yes’! There are generally speaking a ‘good cop’ and ‘bad cop’ in the house. I will say I am the ‘bad cop’ because I am the one who ensures the routines are maintained, homework is completed and the animals are fed to ensure they stay alive! My husband on the other hand isn’t a push over and nine times out of ten we are on the same page with parenting and expectations of our children. There are times though that I do think I have three children!

Sole parenting can be difficult at the best of times and the parent will play both ‘good cop’ and ‘bad cop’ because they have to. They are tired and can easily be worn down by their children until they get what they want. It may be something small like wanting an ice cream or staying up a little later. Once we say yes, then next time saying no becomes even harder. Another added difficulty is when parents no longer live together and children see their mum or dad on weekends. If parents don’t have a parenting plan and common guidelines and expectations for their children no matter who they are with, it becomes very difficult to maintain consistency. Children may stay at one parent’s house for the weekend and come back after being allowed to stay up late or having had takeaway for the entire weekend. Children learn very quickly that they would prefer this residence because there doesn’t seem to be a ‘bad cop’ in the house.

Be firm with your children when saying no, even though you may have to deal with a tantrum or a grumpy child; it will pass and so will their mood! When they have calmed down, explain why and they may surprise you and actually understand your reasoning. If both parents are under the one roof, consult with the other parent in front of the children. This allows them to see you are both on the same page. This also shows there is less room for them to play off one parent from the other. If you feel being pressured into making a decision, defer and tell your child or teenager you will get back to them. Change roles sometimes. If you are the enforcer and the one that always says no, be the one who says yes for a change and ask the other parent to start saying no.

Children need, and funnily enough like, boundaries. We all need boundaries in our lives and sometimes such boundaries need to be moved and they are almost certainly pushed by children and adults on a daily basis. Stay strong and be confident in knowing you are doing the right thing!

Fiona Froelich

By now you would have no doubt heard, through media reports, the most tragic death of a young boy in Tyabb. I think it is safe to say as a society we are asking why and sadly we will never know the real answer to that question. My thoughts are not only with his mother but also the innocent bystanders, including children, who will have to live with what they witnessed for the rest of their lives. I wanted to acknowledge this tragic story but with purpose, hence, helping our children deal with loss.

Loss comes in many forms, both suddenly as we saw last week or gradual. Loss is not just the death of a loved one or a pet but also when a family unit separates, a close friend moves away or moving house.

Gradual loss can give us time to prepare ourselves and our children for the loss. If a loved one is ill, that is gradual because we can see they are ill and it allows us to prepare ourselves. If a family is separating there can be an opportunity, hopefully, that parents can discuss what is happening and allow children to ask questions. This is part of the process to enable our children to cope better. We must acknowledge how resilient children can be, far more than us as adults and sometimes we can learn from them. Moving house is also one of the three most stressful events in our lives, planned or not. We can prepare our children when we move house by involving them in picking their bedroom, investigating the local parks nearby etc. If moving house also involves a change of school, visiting the new school as soon as possible will also help with children adjusting to changes. As much as we prepare them for the changes in a positive manner, we also need to acknowledge their loss or grief associated with these changes. If moving house and schools, they will be leaving friends and the familiar surroundings and routine they have known. Discuss ways they can keep in touch with close friends if this is possible.

Sudden loss is the most difficult for all of us to deal with. As parents, we are can be so focused on ensuring our children are dealing with the loss that we put their needs before our own. As adults we have to not only process and grieve, but also answer the associated questions from our children. They will deal with the loss first. For example “Will Grandma come back?” or “Can I die too?” They will then deal with the grief, “I wish Grandma was here to see this?” Children will feel a sense of sadness and fear of the unknown after the event, sudden or gradual. Like adults, children will take time to grieve and may appear ok but sometimes their grief may begin to come out in their behaviour or they may withdraw. If you are worried about how your child is coping and you have tried talking to them, there is nothing wrong with stepping back and seeking professional help. Personally, my family has dealt with gradual loss twice in the last few years and I was forced to step back and seek professional help for a family member. I can say it was the best thing I could have done, although it was difficult at the time.

Please take the time to seek advice from the school on services we may be able to provide if you feel your children are not dealing with any such loss or at least let your child’s teacher know. A visit to your local GP is also a good start. They may be able to guide you in the right direction.

Life is a cycle and at some stage we all need to deal with loss sometimes sooner than we want to and sooner than our children need to. I know we will all stop for a minute and think of the enormous grief this Tyabb community is going through and give all of our kids an extra big hug tonight.

Fiona Froelich